My heart has been heavy the last couple of days. I have been wondering what is going on, and hoping that it would come to the surface sooner that later. Well...it came up today. As some of you know, 3 years ago, Bryce and I started wondering why we weren't getting pregnant. We went to the doctor to do some preliminary tests, and they came back basically saying that we would need a miracle to get pregnant. At that point we weren't emotionally ready to pursue a diagnosis.
After our failed adoption of a newborn last summer, we decided that it was time to get a diagnosis to see if with any corrective procedures, a pregnancy would be possible. The test came back the same as they did several years prior, and now it has been a battle with the insurance to get them to cover the necessary diagnostic procedure.
As more time goes by, my hope of ever having a baby dwindles more and more. I am constantly surrounded my amazing kids, and while it totally blesses my socks off, it's also a steady reminder of the emptiness I feel. My heart physically hurts at the thought of never being able to tell people that I'm pregnant, or wondering how I can creatively tell my parents that they will be grandparents.
There is a couple in the church who pray for couples with fertility problems to get pregnant. Every couple they have ever prayed for has gotten pregnant...I think we might be their first failure.
I guess my only hope is that this is part of God's plan for us, and He will use it at some point to help others who are hurting.
My darling, Rebekah....it hurts my heart to read your thoughts. But as we have learned this last year +, God has such different plans for us than what we have just expected in the past. It sounds so cliche-ish to say that He will use it as he sees fit....those type of "sayings" just aren't comforting when we hurt at such a deep level! There are things we can do something about and there are things that we can't. Knowing the difference helps, and having the means to do something about what we can is the rest of the story. I love you more than you know and if you never have kids, you and Bryce are enough!
ReplyDeleteBekah,
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you two were struggling with fertility as well. Steve and I have been dealing with this for over 3 years. We too have had people praying for us. I wanted to start a small group for couples dealing with this, but no one came to the interest meeting. I know there are MANY couples dealing with this. Right now though, all the couples that I personally knew here that were dealing with this all have babies now (except us). :(
Know that I feel the pain and emptiness. And that somedays I worry and wonder. Then once in a while I am ok and have faith and strength.
For me, it too has been difficult at times working with the children and jr. highers.
lots of love, melissa (urbana, IL vineyard)